WrestleStock 2019 - Day Three

[Lord Hastings]

The day begins with the image of Grey Coppi, standing holding a microphone.

Coppi: Welcome to the final day of the 2019 WrestleStock festival! It has been one for the ages, with action, entertainment, surprises, just about everything you could ask for! Today we will learn the identities of the new Hall of Fame class, see the finals of the WrestleStock Open Tournament, and it all leads to the much-awaited Title versus Title match between Angelica Vaughn and LACKLAN. However, let's begin by checking in on the First Annual Roast of Johnny Bonecrusher!



The scene is of an outside tented makeshift micro-venue of sorts, surrounded by other booths and games and whatnot. Closest by is Bonecrusher’s Eatery, where no one was allowed to eat for free, be they guests or peers. Someone mentioned that they overheard Johnny threatens to kill Ichabod for taking a plate of ribs without paying, but that’s merely hearsay.

Inside the open tent itself are seats for the speakers, host and guest of “honour”. A long table is reserved for the speakers. Many folding chairs surround the perimeter for fans to bear witness to the unique event about to unravel - erm, unfurl.

Fans begin to gather as they notice some familiar faces taking up the guest spots. When it’s clear they’ve reached maximum capacity - as great or not so great a number as that may or may not be - triumphant music begins to play, garnering the attention of the crowds who instinctively begin to cheer.

Then, what would be an unfamiliar sight to all but the more hardcore old-school JBC fans walks awkwardly walks up the microphone.

“Uh, hey.”

Some fans politely clap.

“Oh, uh, right. Well, I’m Maxine Pellegrini, and seein’ as I’ve known the… guest of honour for at least 15 year - my god, 15 years - I guess I’m your host for tonight. I first met Johnny back in Pure Sadistic Wrestling, a company clearly named by someone REALLY into Evanescence and all that rawr rawr XD crap.”

Some people laugh. You don’t know they didn’t!

“Anyway, I was their secretary and Johnny and I had, uh… well let’s just say I was young and I took a week off work just ta shower nonstop.”

Some people find humour in this, others cringe at the thought. She realizes what might have been inferred.

“I-I mean, YOUNG, like, younger than HIM, but that’s not hard ta be. ‘Seriously’ though, I haven’t actually spoken ta Johnny for three years now, so I GUESS I’m honoured he asked me to do this… FIRST annual event?! He seriously wants this ta be a yearly thing? And how can we ‘celebrate’ 20 years next year? Leave it ta Johnny ta do what it takes ta be the centre of attention, even when it doesn’t make sense, I guess!

But, uh, anyway, I really hate public speakin’, so I’m gonna announce your first roaster before I hide in shame. She currently reigns as the UGWC World Champion, please welcome Angelica Vaughn!”

To the surprise of many, Angelica Vaughn takes the stage. She obviously seems very nervous, tucking her hair behind her ears every five seconds, a bit of a blush on her cheeks. Clearly, she is very far out of her comfort zone.

Angelica: Ow em gee. I’m not very good at this. Errrrr…

She shuffles her papers around a bit and scrapes her throat.

Angelica: Ahem! So, like, this one day, I met Johnny and he was, like, totes not nice to me, so…

Angelica expectedly looks at the crowd, but is greeted by the sound of proverbial crickets.

Angelica: Right. That’s okay, I got more…

She shuffles her papers around a bit more.

Angelica: Let’s see. Can’t say that. TOTES not saying that! Ew, Roxy, why did I even ask you to help me write this??? This is so MEAN!

Apparently not understanding that that was the point, Angie shakes her head and looks at the crowd.

Angelica: Sorry, guys. But WAIT! I have this totes amazeballz anecdote that is like TOTES a roast! This one day we were having a match for the LFL, I think it was in Phoenix… And he called me Angelina! That was SO silly of him, getting my name mixed up like that! Hah! Silly Johnny!

No reaction from the crowd.

Angelica: Or wait, was that in Hawaii??

Crowd: Get off the stage!

Angelica: FINALLY! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

She gathers the rest of her papers as quickly as she can and darts off the stage like a bow out of an arrow.

Johnny nudges Maxine who begrudgingly gets back up to the podium. She looks at some notes as a projector screen gets unrolled behind her.

“Uhh, I’m bein’ told that we have The Collective’s own Morgan Payne with pre-recorded comments?”

And sure enough, after a bit of fidgeting with the projector, Morgan indeed appears on the screen!

“Aight so everyone says Canadians are always sorry. Dat must be tru cuz Johnny Bonecrusher gotta be da most sorriest lookin ass I've ever met."

Then the video abruptly ends. Maxine didn’t even get a chance to sit down.

“Well. Okay then! But I gotta say, in Johnny’s defense, he’s never been sorry a day in his life.”

Johnny looks proud at his old friend defending him.

“That wasn’t a compliment, Johnny.”

Laughter causes Johnny to slouch and frown.

“Anyway, next we have yet another champion - for Christ’s sake, Johnny, you clout-chaser - the UGWC Cross-Hemisphe- oh wait, that’s crossed out here: Cross-SEMICIRCLE Champion, Roxy Cotton!”

Roxy And Vinnie Lane get up to the microphone amidst a chorus of boos (?).

“Oh, and, uh, XWF Chief Executive Vinnie Lane!”

Roxy: So, here we are, gathered in a tent somewhere instead of drinking fine wine and eating hors d'oeuvres… and why? Because somebody decided it would be a good idea to ‘roast’ Johnny. Look, like, don’t get me wrong, nobody on the UGWC roaster look more like he belongs rotating on a spot with an apple jammed in his mouth than Johnny. Nobody fits the criteria of a traditional Fourth of July Weenie Roast better than Johnny. But really, do we not all have better things to do?

I just went through one of the most impressive and awe inspiring victories in UGWC HISTORY… and this is how I get to celebrate it? Cool. I guess I’ll make the most of it at least… Johnny Bonecrusher has the complexion of bottom shelf pork and beans. He was born with a chin strap goatee and a tribal tattoo. He still has the same plastic hula girl from the dashboard of his first car, because he still drives his first car. It’s a 1987 Chevy Nova. Hatchback. One time when the Ross Dress For Less in Johnny’s neighborhood was throwing a going out of business sale, Johnny took out a payday advance loan and bought EVERY. SINGLE. HAWAIIAN. SHIRT.

Speaking of Johnny’s less than inspiring sartorial choices, one time he returned a pair of cargo shorts to Wal-Mart, without a receipt, obviously, because it didn’t have as many pockets as he wanted. The reason Johnny always looks so tired is because he stays up every night commenting on YouTube videos and starting arguments so he can feel smarter than the eleven year olds online.

A lot of people don’t know, but the most upsetting thing about Johnny is that he’s the single most litigious member of the UGWC roster. Everyone he’s ever met has had to have some sort of suit against them dropped. He sued Kenzi for spelling ‘color’ without a U like they do in Canda. He sued me because I didn’t say bless you after he sneezed. When my lawyer got it dropped, he sued my lawyer. Then he sued his own lawyer for losing. Also has anyone mentioned the fact that Johnny purchased Hide for 15 dollars? Isn’t that trafficking? Are we just okay with that? Anyway that’s my time. Byyyyyyyyyyyye!

Vinnie looks on as his lady fair returns to her seat. He adjusts the mic.

Vinnie: Hey dudes! You know, the first time I heard of Johnny Bonecrusher was back when I was a rookie. He used to send me fan letters about how he wanted to be just like me when he was a big boy. He loved my rad long hair and how tall and stuff I was. Poor kid. He never got taller than he was in fifth grade, and he was bald by the time he could ride a bike.

It takes a special kind of guy to grow up in Canada but still walk around in flip flops year round like it’s Tampa. That’s our Johnny though! Hey, one quick thing before I forget… did anyone notice that Johnny tells everyone he’s like five foot ten? Is he using the metric system? Do Canadians get a bonus six inches of height along with their socialized health care? Or has the dude just shrunk since he logged his roster? Is he really Johnny Boneloss? Dude, my gram gram used to take special vitamins for that stuff, give it a shot.

While you’re at it, dude, those cankles aren’t normal. I’m pretty sure you’ve got gout. This isn’t part of the roast, I just want you to go to a doctor, man, don’t neglect your health. Midgets already have a truncated lifespan as it is. Oh man they’re telling me time’s up… Go Quetzal!

The Cincinnati Hit Girl fans boo that last bit precisely.

Maxine returns to her normal position.

“Ahhhh, so many people I don’t know. Sometimes Johnny would go on about this person’r that person, and I’d be like, ‘Who?!’, but internally ‘cause Johnny’s feelings get hurt pretty easily, so, I’d just have ta smile and nod and hope he changed the subject quickly, but he never did. He never did.

Anyway, up next is-”

But before she can announce the next roaster, Claire Rogers storms the podium and shoves Maxine aside, causing Johnny to get up momentarily before Mr. FAQ sits him down, trying to calm Canada’s Greatest Athlete.

Claire: Listen up, you FUCKS!

Claire Rogers smashes the microphone with the palm of her hand, sending massive waves of feedback throughout the entire audience. Some cover their ears, others curse loudly but Claire clearly doesn’t care.

Claire: Right, so they asked me to do a roast of this Johnny Bonecrusher moron. I guess they paid attention to our exchanges over on social media and realized that I own him with every letter of every word of every tweet and decided that I’d be the right person for the job. But let’s make one thing clear. I expect to be paid. An obscene amount of money.

Right, on to this fucking roast of papa Smurf. Yes, that is a dig at his height from someone who barely reaches five foot, fight me. Although I guess he isn’t really like papa Smurf unless papa Smurf was also an infertile incel. If he was Papa Smurf, the Smurfs would’ve literally died out because the one sperm Johnny had in him was incapable of swimming. It’d be hilarious, if not for. No, wait it actually is quite hilarious.

See apart from the fact that Johnny’s best friends are a green-haired racist cunt and her lesbian sex cult entourage, he is also the coach of the worst team in the LFL, go Quetzalcoatls. I’d probably accuse him of installing cameras in the locker rooms, but that’s more the Generic Heel’s thing and we all know Johnny has been unable to get a boner since the late 1980’s anyway. But hey I’m glad he gives me something to make fun of every Friday night, it’s a nice change of pace from going after the twitter lesbians even if they belong in the same circle of cringey trash that makes a mockery of the great sport of wrestling.

Also, I bet he’s a New York Jets fan. Sad!

Sadder than that one time he rigged a poll in order to make me look bad.

Sadder than the one time he gave a name to his cumshot, since he’s unable to conceive children in a fertile woman. I heard he still keeps it in a hanky that he safeguards underneath his pillow.

Sadder than the one time he admitted he just tries to be cool so he can one day bed Roxy Cotton.

Okay, that last one was a lie, but all the rest is true. Upon my honor!

Speaking of honor and things that are true, I realize you love having a massive Asian guy by your side so you can have your daily evening ritual of a cup of warm milk and a massive pegging, but is it really necessary to keep him in chains, dude? Slavery was abolished you know, although I wouldn’t understand a Canadian to grasp the concept of FREEDOM after everything you guys did to the eskimo’s. ‘Murrica! Which, by the way is the absolute literal worst thing about you! You’re Canadian! Yes, people, let that sink in for a while. A Canadian, which means he wants to turn the entire world into some sort of communist hellhole where people are treated equally! No wonder you’d want that, seeing as it’s the only way you could ever amount to something, but this is the real world and in here it’s only the law of the strongest. Which unfortunately means back of the line for you buddy boy, so you can go and shove some more poutine in your chubby face and think back of the early sixties when you could still see your feet.

Anyway I’m gonna wrap this up and we won’t talk about it any longer. Twenty fucking years, when even twenty minutes of Johnny Bonecrushes would make you wanna pierce your eardrums and poke your eyes out. By all means, go right ahead and do so you fucking chumps. I’m outta here. Where is my money??

And as quickly as she burst onto the scene, she leaves. Maxine keeps her distance from Claire as she makes her way back up to speak.

“Well, this has been pretty great so far, huh?”

The audience cheer.

“No it hasn’t, don’t encourage him ta really do this again next year! Thankfully, we’re basically at the end of this mess, and what better way ta wrap things up but with one of Johnny’s English-speaking clients, yet ANOTHER champion, one of the Cooperative Title holders, Kenzi Grey!”

There’s a mixed reaction for this particular #CoolKid. Funny how one got a clearly positive ovation, another a clearly negative one, and Kenzi gets a bit of both. Okay, maybe not funny, but interesting at least! What’s that? No? Okay then...

Kenzi Grey limped up to the podium with help from her wife, still showing the damage that was done from last night’s brutal Cross-SemiCircle Open. She cleared her throat as she prepared to address the man of the hour.

Kenzi Grey: Wow! Over 20-years of excellence in this profession. That is an amazing accomplishment! Johnny almost has more years in wrestling than I have on the planet earth…and yet, I have still managed to be much more famous and relevant than him. Here’s to another 20-years Johnny!

She winks at her agent as the crowd chuckles at “The #1 Hit Maker’s” expense.

Kenzi Grey: Johnny took over as Head Coach for our LFL team and as much as I want to tell you that I hate him and that he’s a terrible coach, I can’t…the owner of the team told us that we would be fired if we continued to tell the truth about his coaching skills.

More groans and few laughs.

Kenzi Grey: When Hide and Johnny came to UGWC, there was no one happier to see Johnny join than me. Not because I knew him or I was tired of being the newb, I was just relieved that I was no longer the shortest person in the company!

Johnny gets to his feet, showing the laughing crowd that he was obviously much taller than she was making him out to be. As the laughter died down, Kenzi seemed to grow serious.

Kenzi Grey: I know that tonight is supposed to be about cutting Johnny down, which is hard because of how low to the ground he already is, but I’m not going to do that. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a hard person to put up with…especially over the last few months. I have been difficult…I have been jealous…I have been extremely shitty. Well, in spite of all of this, Johnny still agreed to take me on a be my agent. He didn’t have to do it, especially after the barbs we traded back and forth…and still do. But, I wanted to let him know that I appreciate everything he has done for me, even if I often seem ungrateful. That goes for him and for all of my other friends and family in the room tonight…

She paused.

Kenzi Grey: Except for Ava Quinn…because I hate your guts way too much.

Johnny covered his face as he hoped that LACKLAN was nowhere within earshot. Kenzi waved to him as she was helped off stage. Maxine was again nudged by Johnny to return to the podium, much to her chagrin.

“O-okay, I guess we’re not quite done. Sorry, guys. I guess it’s traditional for the roastee ta end the festivities with some words for the roasters, so, ladies and gentlemen, the man, the *snicker* myth, the… ugh, do I really have to say this? All right, all right, the ‘legend’... Johnny Bonecrusher!”

There’s an actual combination of boisterous clapping, only it’s complemented with booing. Johnny indeed makes his way to the microphone, as various images appear on the screen from different times in his career: all the championships he’s won, gimmicks he’s wrestled under, wrestlers he’s teamed with, etc. etc.

“Don’t think for a SECOND that I was just gonna let you bastards run your mouth and not have something to say back!

#CoolKids, you collectively have been pestering me for what feels like FOREVER now, and you’d THINK that seeing as I’m managing Kenzi to greatness - to, to HITS, as it were - that we’d all just bury the hatchet and become one big happy family, but no! You all just have to-”

Maxine pulls the mic away.

“Ah, no. You’re not here to cut a promo, you’re supposed ta talk trash back at them, if you still insist on wastin’ everyone’s time.”

“All right, all right! Uhh, lemme see… Angie… you’re so amazingly annoying. Were you born in Amish country? Your inability to get the most basic of things pisses me off. Do you even know what that belt you’ve got’s for? And NO, it’s not for keeping your pants up; I’m sure that’s what you were gonna say, you inadvertently flippant airhead you!

And Roxy, I as well as everyone in attendance risk venereal illness just by breathing the same air as you, but at least scientists can vivisect Vinnie to find the cure as he appears to be immune.

Morgan, you’re not even here tonight, so you can just go to hell! That bitch had the NERVE to insult my use of the English language and in the same breath unironically uses the word ‘yinz’. Now if that isn’t incentive to bomb Boston, I don’t know what is!

Claire, you coward, I’m surprised you were able to show up if only to prove you’re not really Roxy in a cheap wig, but I guess you learn something new every day. I’m uncertain how someone as dumb as you functions but at least you give hope to the families of loved ones in vegetative states. You continuing to insist I’m buddy-buddy with Sativa and her godforsaken crew is a crime so slanderous that you should be executed by firing squad!

Though speaking of Sativa, I’m surprised she didn’t show up when she had free reign to say whatever she wanted to, but it’s just another thing she fails at when even Claire - CLAIRE! - managed to - mostly - get it right.

Anyway, Maxine, I’d save you for last, but you save the BEST for last, and, well, LOOK at you. Actually, I don’t have anything else to say about you. I think THAT’S the biggest roast of them all!

And finally, Kenzi. Kenzi! Kenzi, Kenzi, Kenzi! Kenzi, lemme make ONE THING… PERFECTLY CLEAR: I know I touched base on you as part of the #CoolKids, but individually, you’re better than them all. You have the potential to take every title the UGWC has and rule over these peons with an iron fist, but you’d rather be a #CoooooollllKiiiid! Kenzi, face it: you’re neither cool nor a kid; grow up, you, you…”

Johnny has to think for a moment.

“You no-ass-having J-list celebrity! Ha!! Gottem!”

The audience laughs, but only because that was so low-energy and stale; the pride he exuded from his lameness was inadvertent comedy. Not for the reason Johnny thinks anyway.

“Anyway, thanks for everyone who bothered to show up, and everyone else can go to hell! Try again next year, I guess, losers!

And as far as you all here for WrestleStock… GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, YOU ALL MAKE ME SICK! Do something useful and petition the UGWC to add me to their Hall of Fame! And go spend some of your so-called hard-earned cash at my food booth. NO, you don’t get anything for free, you cheap bastards! ICHABOD, I swear to GOD if you touch even ONE of those meatballs!!!”

[Lord Hastings]

UGWC cameras found their way to Nando’s as a large crowd gathered around a huddled mass of competitive eaters. Some were fans, eager to participate, but most were sports professionals of note, including XWF grapplers Bobbi London and Ashley Ackles. The two ladies were far and away the biggest of all the competitors and they eyed one another suspiciously leading up to the moment that the food minders announced the start of the competition. As soon as they said “GO!” the two women began devouring chicken at a blistering pace and there was no way that anyone would ever be able to equal them. Of course, the competition between the two of them was even hotter than the spiciest of Nando’s Chicken.

Ashley Ackles gave a grunt as the young, heavyset, heavyweight Englishwoman crammed more and more chicken into her mouth; infuriated with the mere existence of Bobbi London and wanting to prove to her that she was the superior one out of the two big lasses. However, despite the young woman's weight and size, she was still smaller than Bobbi, and she knew it, but she would never admit it to herself, so she was just spitefully glaring at Bobbi, who was also tucking into the chicken in a bit of an eating contest between the two behemoth beauties.


Ashley Ackles: Is that all you got?! 


Ashley spitefully grunted out, her mouth full of food from the chicken as she spoke, causing crumbs to fly from her mouth as she was trying to get Bobbi frustrated and pissed off with her.

Bobbi shoved a drumstick into her mouth, held the bone, and pulled it back out stripped clean as she tossed it aside and reached for another. Her mouth was shiny with grease and sauces, but she moved with the practiced grace of a professional eater, unfazed by the rapidly dwindling mountain of chicken in front of her. She nodded to Ashley,


Bobbi London: Yous sure yous can ‘andle that Boney Maroni? Looks like yous falling behind a bit mate! Maybe yous need a spot of ‘elp, yah?


Bobbi reached over to grab some of Ashley’s chicken.

Ashley Ackles: OI!


Ashley snapped a bit as she angrily pie-faced Bobbi away, she would be damned if anyone else was getting HER food. "Don't you fucking touch my food, you fucking cow!" the chicken crumb stained behemoth 23 year old snapped out; she was so obsessed with being bigger and better than Bobbi that it was driving her almost insane. However, Bobbi didn't appreciate being piefaced.


Bobbi London: YOUS BLOODY PISSANT!


Bobbi roared as she got to her feet, pounding her meaty and Nando’s sauce covered fists on the table. The patrons and other contestants cleared out as Ashley also got to her feet, ready for a fight.


Ashley Ackles: WHO DO YOU THIN…


Before she could say another word, Bobbi grabbed a bowl of dipping sauce and threw it right in Ashley’s face. The room went deadly silent as they all knew that it was certainly ON at this point. The pair tossed one another around the eatery as patrons ran for their lives to escape the two mastodons as their rampage destroyed everything in sight. Surely their coming confrontation in XWF over Bobbi’s Internet Title was going to be something to behold.

As security rushed in to quell the disturbance, the villainous Generic Heel was seen secreting the Nando’s Chicken Eating Championship underneath his generic cape…along with another heaping helping of uber spicy chicken wings.

Vinegar: Hello everyone, and welcome to yet another special event for our festival goers! For the first time, we are going to have ourselves a Mixed Martial Arts exhibition fight, sponsored by Union Grand Prix! Two highly skilled fighters, surrounded by a cage and ready to fight until only one is left standing!

Lieberjosch: So, a cage match.

Vinegar: NO! It’s MMA! It’s legit fighting man!

Lieberjosch: What in the hell is that supposed to mean? Wrestling isn’t real?

Vinegar: THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID!

Covert Jay: But, it sounds like that is what you said.

Vinegar: It’s just…just…DIFFERENT!

Covert Jay: Well, the interesting thing about tonight’s matchup is that one of the competitors, Jordan Parker-Kane is a decorated fighter, a former UGP Light Heavyweight Champion and a wrestler, the current Southside Wrestling BLAST Champion. On the other side, there is Cal McCluskey, a certifiable asshole who has been running down the sport of wrestling for weeks, calling it fake and those who compete in it ‘midjit pusys.’

Lieberjosch: Not going to lie, I’m a big fan of this guy’s antics. Did you see what he did to that midget’s merchandise stand? HA! That’s was classic! If you ask me, this guy is gold! I can’t wait to see the crowd cry after he destroys JPK in that cage!

Vinegar: Easier said than done. JPK has an incredible record in MMA and McCluskey has yet to even win a single fight.

Lieberjosch: None? JESUS!!! Are you sure about that?!

Vinegar: Yeah, he’s never won a single MMA fight in his career.

Lieberjosch: OH MY GOD!!


Lieberjosch frantically digs out his phone and starts punching in numbers as he gets up from the table.


Lieberjosch: I PUT FIVE GRAND ON THAT ASSHOLE!!


Lieberjosch desperately tries to reach his bookie as Vinegar and Covert Jay give the ‘Tale of the Tape’ between these two fighters. 





Covert Jay: On paper, this is a serious mismatch and there is a high probability that if Lieb changes his bet, he may regret it!

Vinegar: McCluskey has an 8 inch height advantage, almost 70 pounds on him, and he’s mean as hell!

Covert Jay: All true, but the what JPK has in his favor is the fact that he is 8-6-1, with 2 “Fight of the Night” awards and a championship reign. McCluskey is 0-4-0 in his entire career.

Vinegar: Well, tonight the weight classes are out the door and it will be mano a mano, and just like during last night’s LFL game, the winner will be awarded this UGWC WrestleStock 19 Championship Title!

Covert Jay: So, bragging rights and a super sick title belt to go with it? I can hardly wait!

Vinegar: Well, the wait is over! LET’S GET TO THE CAGE!


The cage was set up in the middle of the outdoor arena, surrounded by bright lights and a sea of screaming fans, many holding signs in support of their favorite in this match. The wrestling fans far outnumbered the MMA faithful, but the supporters of McCluskey were far from overshadowed! Several confrontations between fans had to be broken up hours prior, but now that the moment was upon us, all of the attention was on the forbidding steel structure on the 50-yard line of the LFL stadium.

♫
ARE YOU READY
ARE YOU READY
ARE YOU READY
ARE YOU READY
LET’S GO!
♫

As “One for the Money” by Escape the Fate plays throughout the arena, Jordan Parker-Kane slowly makes his way out while bouncing to keep warm in his blue and silver walkout fight kit. Just behind him, security guards and his corner crew follow him towards the octagon. JPK doesn’t show much emotion as he makes it to cage-side, but even he cannot deny the explosive outpouring of affection and good-will from the partisan crowd. Men reach out to him to give him the highest of fives and a few of the female devotees actually lift their tops to show painted images of JPK over their exposed breasts.

Fortunately, CTN is on delay, so these offensive images are blurred out for the television viewing audience, but the festival crowd goes wild.

JPK seems slightly embarrassed, but he maintains his calm as he makes his way over and gets checked by the bout official. Once cleared, he marches up the steps and heads straight to his corner, bobbing and weaving along the way. The crowd response is deafening.


Covert Jay: I cannot remember the last time I heard anything like this! You’d think that Muhammed Ali was out here! They LOVE this guy!

Vinegar: Yeah…or they just REALLY hate this guy…

♫
I DRINK ALONE, YEAH WITH NOBODY ELSE
I DRINK ALONE, YEAH WITH NOBODY ELSE
YEAH YOU KNOW WHEN I DRINK ALONE,
I PREFER TO BE BY MYSELF
♫

"I Drink Alone" by George Thorogood plays as Cal McCluskey walks out followed by his father, trainer, and cornerman Jim McCluskey.


Vinegar: GOOD LORD! DO YOU HEAR THAT?!


The booing of the fans is so loud that it actually drowns out the music. Many of the more avid fans even start to hurl trash and other debris at the most hated man at WrestleStock. Cal and his father dodge the incoming missiles as he remains defiant on the long walk to the cage.

Lieberjosch shakes his head as he watches the scene with a look of utter dejection on his face. It’s apparent that he was unable to rescind his bet for this upcoming match.


Lieberjosch: Is that the sound of my imminent bankruptcy?

Covert Jay: Never say never…the record might not be in Cal’s favor but this is one of the most lopsided size differences he has had. JPK may not even be able to hurt him.

Vinegar: We are about to find out.


Cal makes it through the gauntlet, still remaining defiant as he shouts back at some fans and is about to jump at them until Jim holds him back and pushes him toward the cage. Cal sticks his middle finger back at those fans as the official checks him over, then allows him entry into the cage.

Cal pauses as he notices Reventón in the front row surrounded by Lucha fans. Cal heads over to him and starts to climb the barricade before Security can stop him and the mass of fans that charge at him. Cal seems legitimately unnerved as seemingly dozens and dozens of fans have to be physically restrained. He rushes into the cage and actually slams the door shut himself, cursing loudly as water bottles and other unspeakables are hurled into the side of the cage.

Veteran UGP announcer Mike Dempsey takes the center of the cage to announce the fighters…


Mike Dempsey: Ladies and gentlemen, the following UGP Exhibition Bout is scheduled for three rounds. Introducing first, FIGHTING out of the red corner, a Muay Thai Kickboxer disciplined in BBJ with a record of 8 wins, 6 losses, and 1 draw. He stands 5’7” and weighed in at 155 pounds. From Houston, Texas, fighting out of SLAUGHTERHOUSE HOUSTON, he is “SPIDEY” JORDAN PARKER-KANE!


JPK steps out from his corner and raises both arms in the air as the crowd explodes. For his part, Cal shakes his head as he flips off his opponent.


Mike Dempsey: And his opponent, FIGHTING out of the blue corner, a Wrestler disciplined in Boxing and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu with a record of 0 wins, 4 losses, and no draws. He stands 6’3” and weighed in at 225 pounds. From WARREN, MICHIGAN, he is CAL MCCLUSKEY!


McCluskey steps out from his corner with a shit-eating grin across his face. He raises a fist in the air, then slowly turns his hand and throws the fans the finger and even inside the relative safety of the cage, he flinches from the negative response and the shower of debris. The reaction is so visceral that the show is stopped and an announcement is made that if anyone else is caught hurling projectiles, they will be ejected from the arena and subject to immediate arrest.

The cage is cleaned out and made ready for the fighters, though Cal McCluskey still looks a bit uneasy.


Covert Jay: Hopefully Cal can recover from that.

Vinegar: Alright ladies and gentlemen, the referee for this fight is Herschel Warden. He checks off with each man one last time then calls for the bell! And this fight is…ON!

=========================================
Round 1
=========================================

The fight gets underway and Cal McCluskey rushes in on the much smaller fighter, looking to intimidate him and get him out early. Cal launches a looping body shot, but JPK dodges and catches him with a hard cross that immediately stuns the bigger man. The fans explode as McCluskey's Left cheek is already beginning to swell and blood trickles from a small laceration there.


Covert Jay: MY GOD, WHAT A COUNTER! JPK IS QUICKER THAN A HICCUP!

Vinegar: He’s not wasting any time getting inside!


The fans are on their feet chanting as JPK jumps over his opponent and tries to grapple with the larger man. Jordan Parker-Kane pushes Cal against the fence in a plum position. McCluskey seems dazed for a moment, but he gathers himself quickly and doesn't want to clinch as he ducks under Jordan Parker-Kane embrace and tries to move away. Jordan Parker-Kane is relentless as he pushes McCluskey forward and doesn't allow him to break the clinch.


Vinegar: Mighty quiet over there.


Lieberjosch gives Vinegar the finger, then goes back to biting his nails.

Both fighters are tied in a clinch, fighting for any edge. JPK tries a flying knee towards Cal McCluskey's chest and the impact sends McCluskey to the fence. The crowd roars as the bigger man is further rocked. Chants fill the arena as the two men continue to struggle with one another. Cal hazards a glance at the time; [0:45 in the 1 round] then goes back to trying to fend off the quicker fighter.


Covert Jay: That’s not a good sign this early in the fight. That first strike really has McCluskey on his heels!


JPK presses his advantage and tries to clinch. Once he has it, he grabs one of Cal McCluskey's arms and tries a Hip Throw and the crowd roars in appreciation as Cal is flipped to the mat like a ragdoll.


Vinegar: WHAT A THROW! DID YOU SEE THAT LIEB?


The dejected man lets out a sign of frustration as he watches McCluskey on his back as the man he probably should have bet on stands over him. JPK launches a kick to McCluskey's thigh and the report is loud and satisfying to the crowd. He fires off a second shot and the sound of flesh on flesh is even louder. He moves around and Cal tries to ward him off, but all he gets for his trouble is one more hard thigh kick. Cal glances at the time again; [1:25 in the 1 round].

JPK take quick note of the distraction and decides to go after his opponent and jumps inside McCluskey's guard. McCluskey did not see that coming! Jordan Parker-Kane is in open guard over McCluskey now.


Covert Jay: JPK is working to get through, but Cal just closed guard on him. There is still fight in him!


The reprive is short as JPK makes a slick transition to side mount over Cal McCluskey showing superior skill in positioning. Jordan Parker-Kane looks to further improve his position as he slides his knee across and achieves the mount position!


Covert Jay: OH MAN! This looks bad for Cal!


His nail-biting co-announcer groans as he covers his face, thoughts of his $5,000 investment slipping away.

Jordan Parker-Kane sits high on Cal McCluskey's chest and pulls his leg underneath McCluskey's head.


Covert Jay: THAT’S A TRIANGLE! IF HE LOCKS THAT IN, THIS IS OVER!

Lieberjosch: GODDAMNIT CAL, DON’T TAP OUT!!!


Cal McCluskey tries to roll out, but Jordan Parker-Kane is way ahead of him and already has the triangle locked in. It's tight and the larger man fights for all his is worth…the fans stand and hold their breath, and in the end, the hated Cal McCluskey has no choice but to tap out!

Lieberjosch gets to his feet and tosses down his headset in frustration as he storms away from the broadcast position to scream and curse nonsensically at a nearby equipment box. The whole arena trembles with the roar of the crowd, drowning out most of what he says.


Mike Dempsey: Here is your winner, at 1 minute and 55 seconds of the very first round…by Triangle…”SPIDEY” JORDAN PARKER-KANE!!!


The referee tries to check on Cal McCluskey, but he shoves the man away as he gets to his feet, holding his wounded arm along with his pride. Across the cage, JPK is awarded the WrestleStock 19 Championship Title belt as the fans cheer. In the front row, a tiny man in a bull costume is seen body surfing around the cage side area.


Covert Jay: Tough night for Cal, but maybe a tougher night for our broadcast partner!

Vinegar: You got that right! Thank you to Dante Reed and the rest to the crew of UGP for this special exhibition bout! In spite of the quick outcome, the crowd seems to have had a great time! We will be right back with more action!


The fight statistics are displayed as the fans continue to cheer and the arena is prepared for the next event…

_________________________________


STATISTICS: CAL McCLUSKEY
Punches 0/0 (0%)
Kicks 0/0 (0%)
Clinch strikes 0/0 (0%)
Takedowns 0/0 (0%)
GnP strikes 0/0 (0%)
Submissions 0/0 (0%)
Clinch Attempts 0/0 (0%)
Time on the ground 56 s

________________________________


STATISTICS: JORDAN PARKER-KANE
Punches 1/1 (100%)
Kicks 3/3 (100%)
Clinch strikes 1/1 (100%)
Takedowns 1/1 (100%)
GnP strikes 0/0 (0%)
Submissions 1/1 (100%)
Clinch Attempts 1/1 (100%)
Time on the ground 25 s

[Lord Hastings]

Phrixus Deimos walks out on to the stage with his journal that has a number of colored pieces of paper protruding throughout it. He steps up to the podium.

Deimos: This year it has been decreed that the unsung heroes of UGWC should be honored at this ceremony, and I can think of no better recipient than the individual that will step out on stage in just a few moments.

The first entrant in the 2019 UGWC Hall of Fame is someone I have observed for the better part of the past decade. This individual is the very definition of the word lynchpin, without him UGWC would very likely grind to a halt. Yet very few of you would recognise him if he passed you in the hall, and I speak not only to the fans in attendance tonight.

Fear now opens his journal at the first mark.

April 5th, 2010

What kind of farce has become of us? What have we agreed to in this union? Minutes before the debut show of this new Unified Coalition, it was discovered that the broadcast rights for the theme song had not been acquired. Had [REDACTED] not shown presence of mind and ingenuity disaster may have befallen us in the very first moments of this new existence.

He turns the page to another colored bookmark.

March 21st, 2011

What sort of Cretin books a Bar Room Brawl and fails to book a bar? As ever the Consortium have been saved by the charms of [REDACTED] who managed to talk a local bar owner into such a dubious proposition. I certainly would not allow Kyle Tacker and John Russo in a venue presenting entertainment if it were my business.

He licks his fingers before turning to yet another page

June 19th, 2013

As distasteful as it was to have to entangle with the Brother Morgan, it could have been far worse. Forgotten passwords risked In Your Hands being turned into a guessing game, and without the computer wizardry of [REDACTED] I may have had to touch the doubtless infected skin of Gian Jones.

Another page is turned.

July 5th, 2015

In booking an invitational tournament with representatives from several other organisations you would have thought the first order of business would be to ensure their parent companies were OK with you promoting their stars. The cease and desist letters that have been steadily incoming from OWF, WWA and EPW regarding not only their trademarks but also intellectual property proved this was overlooked, and once again reinforces my petition that we need to hire an actual legal department rather than continuing to rely on the incredible aptitude of [REDACTED] for damage control.

Phrixus shakes his head when he turns the next page.

November 2nd, 2015

The Coalition has been touring the world for the better part of the year, one would reasonably assume they would have come to grips with the complexities of group bookings at hotels. The fact that for the third time this year [REDACTED] had to make a number of calls to numerous different establishments when we landed to ensure that an angry mob of von Knorre, Barnes, Scott and Dredd were not left wandering the streets of a foreign country overnight. In Johannesburg that could have been especially troublesome.

Fear looks out at the crowd and lifts up his journal displaying that their are almost as many post it notes demarking reference points as there are pages.

Deimos: I think you get the point, as you can see there are many more examples, but for the sake of brevity, I wish to introduce to you a man that quite literally made sure we had a ring for this show...please everyone….show your appreciation for….TODD…

Fear pauses and flicks through his journal at speed, before closing it and shrugging.

Deimos:...THE INTERN!!!!

The curtains part, and instead of Todd we see a red faced Robert Ooley comes striding onto the stage and takes the podium nudging Fear aside with his trusty baseball bat Louis. His one revealed eye bulges as he stares at Deimos in disgust for a moment.

Ooley: TOSS... in the HALL OF FAME...who the fuck thought that was a good idea? He’s a fucking intern! He doesn’t even receive medical benefits like full office staff.

Fear leans over to the microphone.

Deimos: Well I was thinking…

Ooley: Shut it, Scared, I'm not in the modd!

He slams Lois on the podium.

Ooley: Why didn’t anyone run this by me?

Deimos looks at the raving and spitting figure in front of him.

Deimos: I have my suspicions.

Ooley: He’s MY fucking intern!

Deimos: And has been for what I imagine is a world record length of time for an internship.

Ooley: And there’s a goddamn reason for that! He sucks at his job. His coffee tastes like shit, the printer is always fucking jamming, the A/C is never at the right fucking heat, people keep showing up in my office, shit I need to sign piles up on my desk and Mama Ooley called the other day and bitched me out for fogetting her birthday for the third year in a row!

Without Ole’ Bob that creepy little prick would be giving rimjobs behind a Chic-A-Fil six days a week, rather than taking an enforced nap in a supply closet backstage. I made that fucknut, if anyone deserves this.

He grabs the HoF ring from the podium and thrusts it in the air.

Ooley: It’s Ole’ Bob himself.

Deimos motions to Ooley’s hand.

Deimos: You already have one.

Ooley: And now I have two!

He makes a big show of putting the second ring on before leaning back in to the microphone.

Ooley: Suckers.

[Lord Hastings]

Jet Somers walks proudly onto the stage, all smiles and waving, but cringing for a moment when he sees Hans Lieberjosch and Nicholas Vinegar glaring daggers at him. He sheepishly turns and strides to the podium.

Jet: Good evening!

The crowd pops again, and Jet has to wait for them to calm down.

Jet: Sixteen years ago, a unique voice was added to the commentary team on Lock Wrestling Federation's weeky show, Warzone. That voice sang of ninjas and dragons, and great places to eat, popular television shows, and innoncently praised the talents and beauty of the competitors he couldn't hold himself to providing play by play for.

The crowd chuckles.

Jet: Since the start of this decade, he has provided an element of fun and spontaneity to the broadcast team here in UGWC, an unexpected third perspective that doesn't read the vanilla script about your hero's biography, and doesn't play sychophant to your most hated villains. If that voice is coming from ringside, or from some hidden perch broadcast over Ninja Redtooth, it's always a welcome and refreshing voice even if you can never guess what it's going to say next.

There's a bit of a hush as the crowd waxes sentimental considering how many times the inductee's voice has brought humor and excitement to some of the most dramatic moments of their careers.

Jet: I can't imagine the beginning of my career without his inspiring shout, the welcome I needed as I awkwardly found my footing in the business. I feel it's appropriate that we welcome him to the Hall of Fame tonight by inviting him out here the same way he welcomed so many of us to the ring over and over. Will you join me?

With that, Jet walks away from the podium and to the edge of the stage, raising his arms and inviting the crowd to join him. Slowly, most of the crowd of competitors, fans, and staff get to their feet, and Jet waits until everyone is ready before cocking his head back and cupping his hands around his mouth. Everyone mimics the move, and in one unified voice, they all bellow at the tops of their lungs:

Everyone: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

"Pomp and Circumstance" plays for a few seconds, and in a sudden burst of smoke, Covert Jay appears on the stage.

Covert Jay: HUTTAH!!

The crowd applauds as Jay opens his arms to them.

Covert Jay: This is an unexpected surprise that even I almost didn't see coming, but fortunately I read ahead and was prepared! First, I'd like to thank all of the dragons, as my career wouldn't be the same without their guidance. There was Arelas, A-Kis, Marek, Zombie Marek, and of course, the TWiSTeD Ninja Crazy Opie, just to name a few.

A "Dragon" chant breaks out in the crowd.

Covert Jay: DRRRRRRRRRAGGGGGGONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

His exclamation is met by cheers.

Covert Jay: It wasn't always easy, of course. I remember the headaches I would get whenever Dirge and Zane were in close proximity, or when Chaos and Vain attempted to argue with each other. Once I saw Jezebel and Eden together and my brain would have melted entirely had my mask not been in place to restrain it. But there were also the good times, like when nachos were served or Hans isn't talking.

There is laughter in the crowd, momentarily confusing Jay as he wasn't kidding.

Covert Jay: Most of all, I accept this honor as a validation of everything that is ninja. Alas, my obligations elsewhere call to me, but we will speak soon, as much action awaits this day! HUTTAH!!!

In another puff of smoke, he is gone.

[Lord Hastings]

Donovan walks out to the stage, pausing to acknowledge the crowd, and he settles behind the podium.

Hastings: How about that. For once, I actually am the one following Jet, instead of the other way around. Remember to kick him like the sign on his back says if you see him.

There are a few chuckles in the crowd as Donovan pauses to collect himself.

Hastings: Over ten years ago I made a proclamation to the world. Peterson Sucks. In fact, at Horizons I went so far as to declare that Peterson REALLY Sucks.

There are a few boos, leading Donovan to momentarily raise an eyebrow.

Hastings: Then some things happened that HR tells me I can’t talk about anymore, but the end point is that it all led to me getting to know the man underneath the stripes, and eventually I came to consider him a friend. He was there when we opened the Dungeon of Pain, was often the first to congratulate me after each of my World Title victories. I still have more than Jet, might I add.

Donovan glances off-stage and smirks before getting a much more serious expression on his face.

Hastings: He was there when things in my personal life took a path...that I would not have preferred, and certainly never expected. He treats my children as though they were his own grandchildren, better in fact. A lot better, actually. But I gave some tips and pointers to his real grandson for awhile, and to this day I wonder if he ever got out of the hospital.

Donovan whistles innocently for a few seconds.

Hastings: He likes to sing Karaoke, calls it Owenoke, and it’s absolutely terrible and you should all give it a listen sometime. He helped me take over Zeke's church that one time before it mysteriously burned down. He once tried to convince me that we should do a pirate gimmick, instead of the stuff that HR says we can’t talk about anymore. His credit card is accepted everywhere and his phone has a great service plan. I should know, I use both of them more than he does. In all my years, I have never known a more loyal person, could never ask for a more supportive friend. It is my genuine honor to welcome to the UGWC Hall of Fame...Owen Peterson.

Owen comes out to the stage and Donovan is waiting for him with open arms. The two embrace, with words exchanged that cannot be heard. Donovan backs off as Owen steps up to the podium.

Peterson: I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that a day like this would ever happen.

He pauses, and begins to tear up a bit. He glances back at Donovan.

Peterson: Who would have thought I’d make it here before you?

Donovan laughs and shouts back that it turns out he isn’t done yet.

Peterson: Oh, not done. You’ll never be done, heh.

Owen sniffs and tries to collect himself. He tries to speak but gets choked up each time. The crowd begins to applaud.

Peterson: Oh, thank you, thank you. Heh. STOCKHOLM SYNDROME MY ASS!!!

There is some laughter, and Owen chuckles.

Peterson: That’s what they said, said it for years. How do you put up with him? Look at everything he puts you through? But I’ll tell you this, I know a much different Donovan Hastings than the rest of you. Look at me. I was an afterthought in a go-nowhere job. Now I’m the Sports Entertainment Executive in the best promotion in the world. Donovan likes to talk about how everybody should have an Owen. Well, let me tell you, you all wish you had a Donovan.

Donovan shouts something that the mic doesn’t pick up.

Peterson: A Lord-Chief, sorry. Yeah, heh. You know, I’m tempted to sing a song for everyone, give you all a sample of that Owenoke you been hearing so much about, but truth is I doubt I’d get through the first line. And you all want to get to the action, right? So I thank you, and I’m going to go, but before I do let me take a moment a speak to you...proper.

Owen reaches under the podium and takes out his old megaphone.

Peterson: Yo ah be da new hall o' famer, don't make me shank ya!

Owen steps back and Donovan steps up next to him and raises his arm, with Owen raising the megaphone in the other as the crowd gives a standing ovation.

[Lord Hastings]

Vinegar: Congratulations once again to our new Hall of Fame inductees, and it is time now for the finals of the WrestleStock Open Tournament, as we find out who will win this year’s WrestleStock Cup!

Lieberjosch: And as Covert Jay is busy celebrating his induction, you and I can do this as a proper old school two man booth.

Covert Jay: HUTTAH!!!

Lieberjosch: What in...you’re not even out here!

Covert Jay: Ninja Redtooth allows me to hob-knob and celebrate while also engaging with you two fine gentlemen!

Lieberjosch: You’re going to be extra insufferable now, aren’t you.

Covert Jay: Perhaps I’ll be the Creative Director next!

Lieberjosch: Shove off.

Vinegar: What Hans means to say is that we are proud of you and your accomplishment, Jay.

Lieberjosch: I meant I’ll pull his towel tighter the next time I see him. But yes, he is accomplished. He’s a Hall of Famer. I was the Creative Director. Tell us, Nicholas, when are you going to do anything of note?

Vinegar: Let’s get out first competitor out here.

Multi-color lights flash over the stage until the full tempo of the song strikes and Sloane emerges from the back full of energy and all smiles. She stops on the stage and looks around her at the crowd, taking it all in before starting off down the ramp.

She greets the crowd, slapping hands and posing for quick selfies with the fans before rushing the ring. Sloane slides in under the bottom rope and springs to her feet, dancing around the ring and playing to the crowd, hyping them until her music ends.

Dennis: The following contest is the 2019 WrestleStock Open Final Match, set for one fall! Introducing first, the Sky Queen, SLOOAANNNEEE TAYYYYLLLORRRRR!!!!

Vinegar: Sloane Taylor has looked great during the first two days of the festival, defeating Mastermind on Day One and managing to get past Sebastian Everett-Bryce yesterday.

Lieberjosch: Sebastian Everett-Bryce who went on to have an impressive day anyway, nearly capturing the Cross-Semicircle Championship.

Covert Jay: All the more reason to value the victory.

Robbie steps out onto the entrance ramp, raising his arms at 45 degree angles. He then takes a slow, deliberate pace to the ring.

Dennis: And her opponent, the Sultan of Smacktalk, ROBBBBIIEEE BOUUURRRRBBOONNNNN!!!!

Vinegar: The impressive Robbie Bourbon has taken down two former World Champions over the past two days en route to this final match.

Covert Jay: Back to back victories over Pierce and Vain, regardless of the circumstances, certainly nothing to sneeze at.

Lieberjosch: And neither should come as a shock! This man was built to be a World Champion, it’s hard to believe we even had this festival in the past without him.

Vinegar: Bourbon is a super heavyweight and a nineteen year veteran, dwarfs the rookie Sloane Taylor, something of a mismatch here on Day Three.

Covert Jay: A ninja never is concerned with being an underdog.

Lieberjosch: There’s being an underdog, and there is being Sloane Taylor up against Robbie Bourbon.

Vinegar: Well we shall see what happens, as the competitors are ready and Brian Chartreuse calls for the bell.

DING DING!!!

Vinegar: Taylor being cautious in the opening moments, keeping her distance, some light kicks to the leg that Bourbon ignores. Taylor goes for a high kick, but Bourbon catches the leg, and lifts her right up into the air and slams her to the mat.

Lieberjosch: Sloane tries to scramble away, but Bourbon grabs her and pins her by the throat against the bottom rope.

Vinegar: He stands and uses the top rope for leverage as he presses her against the bottom rope with his boot, and Chartreuse starts a five count, Bourbon backs off at four.

Covert Jay: Bourbon doesn’t want to have come this far only to get disqualified.

Vinegar: Taylor uses the ropes to pull herself up, turns right into a brutal clothesline, Bourbon covers, looking to end this early!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





Vinegar: Taylor kicks out!

Lieberjosch: Sloane Taylor certainly has talent, she’s shown us that the past few days, but she is a plucky underdog in the mold of a Seito Risa or a Jessica Mathis, past Entertainment Professionals here in UGWC that had potential and ultimately never amounted to much. Robbie Bourbon is a beast that reminds me of Tyvola, a Hall of Famer and former World Champion that people would push each other into the bushes to see.

Vinegar: That’s quite a comparison.

Lieberjosch: Can you imagine the money that UGWC would be printing if we had this guy at the top of cards week in and week out?

Vinegar: Bourbon brings Taylor back to her feet and whips her off the ropes, but she comes back with a handspring enziguri, staggering Bourbon for a moment, and he falters to one knee!

Lieberjosch: Sloane springboards into a knee strikes to the side of the head, Bourbon is down!

Vinegar: Standing shooting star press by Taylor, she hooks the leg!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





Covert Jay: Bourbon kicks out!

Lieberjosch: How do you know, you’re not even out here!

Covert Jay: A ninja knows all. Also, I heard the crowd go “OHH!”

Lieberjosch: Where the hell are you, anyway?

Covert Jay: Catering. Being inducted into the Hall of Famer is hungry business.

Lieberjosch: How do you eat through the towel?

Covert Jay: I ninja it.

Lieberjosch: That’s not a word you can just use a verb for everything!

Covert Jay: Ninja you.

Lieberjosch: And why didn’t you use your whatever-tooth on Thursday when PMN hijacked the feed and the only person that heard the three us of talking was each other!?!

Vinegar: Ahem...Taylor to her feet, as Bourbon is getting up she attempts a headscissor takedown, but he plants his feet and blocks it, swings her back and hurls her into a corner!

Lieberjosch: And Bourbon comes charging in with a hard clothesline against the turnbuckle!

Vinegar: Bourbon backs off as Taylor stumbles out of the corner, and he lifts her into a double underhook suplex.

Lieberjosch: Bourbon goes to pull her back up, but she fights him back with a series of forearm shots.

Vinegar: Taylor kicks him in the gut, comes off the ropes and tries to flip over him!

Covert Jay: PIPE DREAM!!

Lieberjosch: Bourbon blocks it, holding Sloane by her feet and stopping her momentum, and he stands up right and whips her back over his head and slams her to the mat!

Vinegar: Taylor attempting to get back to her feet, but Bourbon has her by the throat!

Lieberjosch: EARTH’S MIGHTIEST CHOKESLAM!!

Vinegar: Bourbon with the cover!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





Vinegar: Taylor gets the shoulder up!

Lieberjosch: But how much can Sloane Taylor have left?

Vinegar: And now Bourbon pulling Taylor into position, setting up the Robbiebomb.

Lieberjosch: She had a good run, kid’s got a future.

Vinegar: But as Bourbon lifts her up, she pushes off his shoulders and floats over him, landing behind him and immediately dropkicking him in the back!

Lieberjosch: Bourbon knocked away, he comes off the ropes and runs into a drop toe hold!

Vinegar: Taylor quick to her feet, comes off the ropes as Bourbon is trying to get back up!

Lieberjosch: Not the Seeing Stars!

Vinegar: 720 kick to the back of the head, and now Taylor goes to the turnbuckle!

Lieberjosch: This isn’t happening! Get up Robbie!

Vinegar: She leaps into the air as he does!

Lieberjosch: SKYFALL!!!!!

Vinegar: Taylor has the cover!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





THREE!!!!!!!





Dennis: Here is your winner, and the 2019 WrestleStock Cup Winner, SLOANE TAYYYLOORRRRR!!!!

Vinegar: She did it!

Lieberjosch: Unbelievable!

Vinegar: The rookie Sloane Taylor came to WrestleStock to make a name for herself, and by golly she did it! Three big wins in three days, capped off by this momentous victory against Robbie Bourbon!

Covert Jay: Congratulations to the little ninja!

Vinegar: She has collapsed in exhaustion after what has to be considered a stunning upset. It means that a championship opportunity potentially awaits her, we’ll see in the coming weeks what her future holds, nevertheless another star is made here at WrestleStock!

Lieberjosch: I just...I don’t believe it.

Vinegar: The festival isn’t over yet! It’s title versus title as Angelica Vaughn takes on LACKLAN, and that match is next!

[Lord Hastings]

Vinegar: What a thrilling and action-packed three days we have had here in Cincinnati at the annual WrestleStock festival, we’d like to thank Circle TV for hosting us, and before we get to our main event of the festival, we are rejoined by the new Hall of Famer, Covert Jay.

Covert Jay: HUTTAH!

Lieberjosch: What, did they run out of food in catering?

Covert Jay: You think I’d really miss my ringside seat for this match? We’re guaranteed our second new champion of the festival!

Lieberjosch: Second? Roxy and the Lords of Cool both retained!

Covert Jay: Ah, but Team Johnny won the Tug of War Championship!

Vinegar: As Jay just alluded to, both the World and Chaos Titles will be on the line in this main event, one of these two impressive championship reigns will be coming to an end, it will be winner take all!

An explosion of pyro erupts as Kenzi Grey strikes a pose for the cameras in her custom tailored referee shirt.

Dennis: Please welcome your special guest referee for this match, KENZI GREY!!!

Vinegar: This has been a very busy week for Kenzi Grey, having had a prominent role on all three days of the festival.

Covert Jay: She’s wearing a knee brace after the events of yesterday, but she’s a trooper, not going to let it stop her.

Lieberjosch: She nearly single-handedly decimated the UGWC Saviors on Day One, and a strong performance in the Cross-Semicircle Extravaganza yesterday.

Vinegar: It’s worth noting that her wife played a role in both things that you just mentioned.

Covert Jay: And now she’s inserted herself into the most important match of the entire festival.

Lieberjosch: She volunteered and Ichabod took her up on it.

The lights of the arena go dark and a purple spotlight finds the ramp. LACKLAN walks down the ramp, dragging the Knocker behind her on the ground, ignoring everyone to the left and right. Once in the ring, LACKLAN rests in a corner and waits for the bell.

Dennis: Introducing first, she is the reigning AND defending Chaos Champion, LAAACCCKKKLLAAANNNNNN!!!!

Vinegar: She is undeniably the most dominant Chaos Champion in history, and it was LACKLAN’s idea, in fact her outright demand, that her title be on the line as well in this match.

Lieberjosch: She’s destroyed everybody that set foot in her path, won the Massive Melee, she’s got nothing left to prove and tonight she’s going to take her rightful place as the World Champion.

Dennis: And her opponent, she is the reigning AND defending World Champion, ANGELLLLICCAA VAAAUUGGHHNNNNNNN!!!!

Lieberjosch: This is Angie’s second chance in as many months to become a double champion, she already failed once when she couldn’t beat Roxy at the Massive Melee!

Vinegar: That seems an unfair comparison, considering the circumstances of that match.

Lieberjosch: What, that a title was on the line?

Vinegar: You know full well that’s not what I meant.

Lieberjosch: You know full well nobody cares what you meant.

Vinegar: That was uncalled for.

Covert Jay: Kenzi is set, Angie is set, Don’t-Call-Her-Bordy is set, let’s do it here in Cincinnati!

DING DING!!!

Vinegar: LACKLAN flings her body at Vaughn as the bell rings, but Vaughn is ready for it and takes her down with a drop toe hold, tries to apply an arm triangle choke, but LACKLAN gets free before she can lock it in and rolls to the outside.

Covert Jay: As dominant as LACKLAN has been, Angie has given her fits throughout her career here in UGWC, including victories last year at Day of Reckoning and earlier this year at Lord of Trios.

Vinegar: LACKLAN goes underneath the ring for something, pulls out a large bag, and I don’t have a good feeling about this.

Covert Jay: Bad nachos?

Vinegar: No, not that kind of bad feeling.

Covert Jay: Good, because there is no such thing as bad nachos, merely nachos that weren’t properly appreciated.

Lieberjosch: They put you in the Hall of Fame…

Vinegar: Vaughn comes vaulting over the ropes for a splash!

Lieberjosch: HOLY-

Vinegar: JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK!!!

Covert Jay: LACKLAN sent the contents of that bag, hundreds of tacks flying through the air at Angie!

Vinegar: Angelica Vaughn just crashed through a cloud of thumbtacks.

Lieberjosch: Kenzi looks horrified back in the ring, but as this match is being contested under chaos division rules, nothing she can do about it as the referee.

Vinegar: I think we’re all horrified, a heinous act perpetrated moments ago, I’m sad to say it’s all legal!

Covert Jay: LACKLAN tosses a kendo stick into the ring, starts to pull up Angie to throw her back in, but Angie backdrops her onto the tacks!

Vinegar: LACKLAN crashing down onto the tacks, and look at her, she’s laughing about it!

Covert Jay: Well it’s not like her scars on the arm she landed on are going to get any worse.

Vinegar: And as LACKLAN gets to her feet she pulls several tacks out of her arm and casually throws them at Vaughn!

Lieberjosch: Angie instinctively puts up her arm to block, grimacing as several tacks stick, and it’s enough of a distraction that she isn’t ready as LACKLAN grabs her and hurls her into the steel steps.

Vinegar: LACKLAN rolls Vaughn into the ring, slides into the ring and grabs a handful of hair as she yanks Vaughn into a sitout facebuster. She rolls Vaughn over and covers!






ONE!!!






TWO!!!!!






Vinegar: Vaughn kicks out!

Lieberjosch: LACKLAN pulls another tack out of her own arm and pokes Vaughn in the side with it!

Vinegar: Vaughn yelps in pain, as LACKLAN picks up the kendo stick, only for Vaughn to spring off the mat and deliver a low dropkick, bringing LACKLAN down onto both knees!

Covert Jay: Angie snatches the kendo stick away, and delivers a kick to the chest!

Crowd: OBVS!!!

Vinegar: Another kick!

Crowd: OBVS!!!

Vinegar: Vaughn hesitates a moment, gazing at the stick in her hand, and she begins cracking LACKLAN repeatedly in the chest with the stick!

Crowd: OBVS!!! OBVS!!! OBVS!!!

Vinegar: Vaughn drops the stick and delivers a final kick to the side of the head that knocks LACKLAN onto her back, Vaughn drops on top for the cover!




ONE!!!




TWO!!!!!




Vinegar: LACKLAN kicks out!

Lieberjosch: Looked like a fast count to me.

Vinegar: I think Kenzi Grey is doing the best she can, considering her knee is probably hampering her, and the awful things she has watched be done to her friend.

Covert Jay: EW!!!

Vinegar: Vaughn has that claw locked in on LACKLAN!

Covert Jay: She’s flailing her arms, now grasping at the hand in her mouth!

Lieberjosch: Not grasping, tearing. Those razor sharp fingernails are digging into Angie’s hand, OH MY GOD!

Vinegar: LACKLAN just tore open a gash in Vaughn’s hand, Vaughn releasing the hold and crying out in pain, as the blood is flowing down to her wrist.

Lieberjosch: Angie staring in horror at her own hand, and LACKLAN grabs her into a bearhug and smashes her with a headbutt!

Vinegar: Vaughn crumples to the mat, LACKLAN with another cover!






ONE!!!






TWO!!!!!






Vinegar: Vaughn gets the shoulder up!

Lieberjosch: LACKLAN shoots a glare at Kenzi, can’t say I blame her.

Vinegar: Now she stands behind Vaughn, taking her head into her hands!

Covert Jay: Angie’s got the kendo stick!

Lieberjosch: L'étreinte de Dieu!!

Vinegar: But before she can snap Vaughn’s neck, Vaughn swings back with the stick, catching LACKLAN in the side of the head and knocking her away!

Covert Jay: Angie turns and cracks LACKLAN again with the kendo stick, and connects with a Sick Kick!

Vinegar: Vaughn has the cover!




ONE!!!




TWO!!!!!




Vinegar: LACKLAN kicks out!

Lieberjosch: And she rolls to her feet and tackles Angie to the mat!

Vinegar: Vaughn rolled onto her chest, and LACKLAN leaps onto her back and jumps up and down on her repeatedly, before rolling to the outside and heading to the timekeeper’s table!

Covert Jay: She just shoved Claude de Rhombus off his chair and took it!

Lieberjosch: And the “unbiased” Kenzi Grey is helping Angie to her feet!

Covert Jay: She’s checking on the well-being of a competitor in the match!

Vinegar: LACKLAN back into the ring with that steel chair, and she flings it at Vaughn!

Covert Jay: Angie ninjas out of the way!

Vinegar: Grey catches the chair before it hits her in the face!

Lieberjosch: That was incidental! Obviously inadvertent, everybody needs to keep their head!

Covert Jay: Kenzi almost literally just lost hers, and she looks positively pissed about it!

Vinegar: LACKLAN trying to justify it, backing away as Grey now advances towards her, looking down at the chair in her hands and back at LACKLAN, and now she swings the steel!

Lieberjosch: LACKLAN side-steps it, and Angie gets blasted right in the face!!!

Vinegar: AUNT PETUNIA’S PANTIES, that was a horrific shot, and Kenzi Grey is stunned!

Covert Jay: Kenzi throws the chair out of the ring with disgust, it looks like she can’t believe what she just did!

Vinegar: And there is an evil grin on the face of LACKLAN, and a piercing stare right into the soul of Kenzi Grey as she drops to her knees next to Vaughn, goes into the cover!

Lieberjosch: Kenzi is pulling on her own hair, she looks distraught, but she doesn’t have a choice here! She has to count the fall!

Vinegar: Here it is!







ONE!!!







TWO!!!!!







THR-

Vinegar: VAUGHN GOT HER SHOULDER UP!!!

Lieberjosch: LACKLAN can’t believe it, I can’t believe it either! How did she manage to kick out?!

Vinegar: Vaughn is bleeding from her forehead, she was busted open by that accidental chairshot, still has tacks sticking out of her body, and now LACKLAN confronting Grey, telling her that should have been three.

Lieberjosch: It should have been, I don’t know how Angie has anything left, and look at this, she’s trying to get to her feet!

Covert Jay: There’s life left in the World Champion!

Vinegar: LACKLAN turns her attention back to her.

Covert Jay: BICYCLE KICK!!

Vinegar: Vaughn back to her feet, can she follow up?

Covert Jay: #VAUGHEMOUS!!!

Vinegar: Vaughn not going for the cover, she’s got a burst of adrenaline, backs herself into the corner and lining herself up!

Lieberjosch: Not another! This isn’t right!

Covert Jay: A SECOND #VAUGHNEMOUS!!!

Vinegar: Vaughn collapses on top for the cover!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





THREE!!!!!!!





Dennis: Here is your winner, the NEW Chaos Champion, and STILL the World Champion, ANGELLICAAAA VAAAUUGGHHHNNNNNNNN!!!!

Vinegar: Vaughn did it! She is a double champion!

Lieberjosch: With a biased referee! A biased referee!

Covert Jay: She had to overcome that “biased referee” accidentally obliterating her with a chair, if anything that only validates this victory even more!

Vinegar: Angelica Vaughn continues her impressive reign as the World Champion, and she ends the most dominant and historic Chaos Championship reign we’ve ever seen! History made here in Cincinnati at WrestleStock!

Lieberjosch: And that target on her back just doubled in size!

Vinegar: What an amazing festival, thank you for joining us, and congratulations again to all our winners!

Covert Jay: Synergy returns on July 22nd!




Angelica Vaughn - 7.76

LACKLAN - 7.13

[Lord Hastings]

Credits

There was a LOT that went into this year's show, to the extent that I'm sure there are contributions that I'm not even aware of.

B and Chad oversaw Day One, Ad and Rob oversaw Day Two. I think both teams did a great job with their respective days. I oversaw Day Three.

Thank you to the many guests that we had this week, as well as to the people responsible for recruiting them. I hope you enjoyed your stay with us and that we see you again in the future!

Thank you to Britt for providing the graphics that appeared in the event itself.

Thank you to Carnage Wrestling, the LFL, and Union Grand Prix for trusting us to showcase their own talents at our event, as well as providing the content itself.

Most of all, thank you to Ron for all the amazing work with social media promotion for this event as well as a significant amount of content for the event itself. This was a fun and unique festival and it will unquestionably go down as one of the best ever. Great work!

[cooltubesource]

blah blah douchebag disclaimer et cetera and so forth ditto ditto

- I REALLY wish I had been able to get my shit together to be part of the roast. I've said it before, but it bears repeating, that I leaped at the chance to recruit Johnny when he even hinted at wanting to write again, and I am glad I did. Johnny, and Hide, have become a treat in the undercard of this fed and has done a good job of getting involved with everyone. Unfortunately, I had a busy week during the festival (didn't even a single promo for days!) and just kept saying "I'll do it at lunch, I'll do it at this time, there's a rock in my shoe, the sun's in my eye" and I missed this. The people involved clearly had fun (Angie's is my favorite) and I hope this becomes a regular thing.

- Kenzi has the ability to get other stories over so well that it is inspiring, and was the first thing that drew me two him. We had met through someone we were both working and angle with and I was blown away at his willingness to put other people's stuff over, specifically at the time a random person on Twitter who didn't even rp who had a fitness gimmick. And while I do (loudly) get annoyed with him when he is TOO selfish in this regard (still mad you put over that idiot demon chick in LAW, dude), his ability to incorporate so much, and make them feel important, is on display in the next two segs. Bobbi vs. Ackles is an XWF feud based on silliness, and the chicken wing contest is perfect. Especially the end, since it allows yet another character and handler into the fun. And while I know Ken wished the MMA fight was more "exciting," I think it was perfect. All of that hype and buildup for the jerk getting his ass handed to him in less than two minutes is amazing.

- I think Phrixus should induct every member of the hall of fame going forward

- This is the third WrestleStock Cup I've been around for and each final has been a short and hard-hitting affair, which I think is PERFECT. These people are tired and carrying over injuries and I think that's the way to go. I have likened it before to playing a video game with 5 finishes stored to start the match and just trying to kill your buddy and that's a great change of pace from other flavors of matches from the rest of the festival.

- The main event was great and a fitting end to the Bordy vs. Angie story arch that has been around in this fed in some form since February of last year. I am big on the Bad Guy ultimately getting their comeuppance and the hero standing tall, and this delivered. It also opened the door for a final match between Bordy and Kenzi, should we decide to go that route. Additionally, whoever decided to include the Bret/Taker/Shawn finish from Summerslam is no doubt a sexy beast of a wrestling genius.

[Lord Hastings]

Jul 12, 2019 11:49:17 GMT -5 cooltubesource said:

Additionally, whoever decided to include the Bret/Taker/Shawn finish from Summerslam is no doubt a sexy beast of a wrestling genius.

Rob said something similar (yet far less impressive) when he read it, and I'll tell you the same thing I told him...that match is before my time and I wasn't familiar with it until he brought it to my attention! I appreciate the feedback but it's just a happy coincidence. Shall we run with it and go ahead and book Kenzi/Bordy, Hell in a Cell?

Thank you for your feedback, both the above and for the other days of the festival, it's both rewarding and validating as writers to get it, and after reading your feedback for the prior days I was eagerly awaiting this.